Friday, May 08, 2015

Power of Moms retreat - 2015

I’m not sure how I got to lucky, but I got to go out last weekend to attend and speak at the annual Power of Moms retreat in Park City.  IMG_20150502_110904113 The weather was absolutely gorgeous.   Utah looked so green compared with Boston!  IMG_20150502_162348624_HDR 

I love those retreats!  The power in that room full of 85 mothers is almost tangible.  I met so many amazing women, so deliberate in their mothering efforts.  All of them taking time away from their busy jobs as moms to step back and think about the job they’re doing.  I’m going away from it feeling full of ideas and inspiration. 

I’m on the plane home now and feel so inspired and excited about motherhood.  So ready to get back to my kids.  Certainly I’ll crash on re-entry but before I do I want to write some of the things that really struck me this time around, things I felt inspired to change in our home and in my mothering. 

Things are feeling a big broken in our family lately.  I was hoping to come away from the retreat armed with some ideas of how I could alter our family systems in order to help our kids behave better, respect more, clean more, obey more, fight less, work more, complain less etc etc etc.  But what I came away with instead was the desire to change things at the root.  Before swooping in and altering our systems or introducing new ones, new consequences, more rules, I need to take a good look at the foundation we have under us.  I feel pretty convinced that if our foundation isn’t built on love and enjoyment and positivity and praise anything we build on top of it will topple over.

I’ve been caught in a wave of negative mothering lately.  This weekend as I’ve been away I’ve realized that the way I see my children is muddy and mired.  Lately their weaknesses loom large in my mind, overshadowing so much that is good and strong and amazing about their little souls.  And since children really form their self image in the mirror of their parents perceptions, how I perceive them is critical to their wellbeing. 

How can I expect them to become their true selves if they can’t see themselves clearly.  Maybe my main job as a mother is to help my kids to see themselves clearly. 

So I’m going to work on altering my perception of them.  There is plenty of good stuff to see when that is my focus.  When I zoom out to see the bigger picture it’s easy to see them as beautiful, strong souls trying their best to figure out this world.  Pushing buttons, trying on behaviors, figuring out what pleases and what doesn’t, where the boundaries are.  That’s their job right now. These behaviors wont all spill into their adulthood.

Before changing any systems, clamping down on time outs, making a new and better list of family rules I want to make sure my kids know who they are.  I want to spend my energies right now figuring out how to create a more positive environment in my home.  A place where my kids can see themselves clearly because they stand firm on a foundation of love and acceptance. 

I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to do this, but I think it starts by lots more affection and genuine praise and lots less criticizing.  This is much easier to do with some children than others.  But the ones who make it difficult are the ones who need it the most.

I’m determined to see the good.  To offer them genuine praise.  To cut out the criticism.  To sandwich corrections with complements.  To stop being (at least visibly) annoyed by their silly behavior. 

I’m also more determined than ever to cut out lots of things that are non-essential to my priorities as a mother.  I want more space in my life to enjoy the present.  When I have more space in my life I’m able to see everything a little clearer.  I have more patience, more energy to look past the frustrations of the present to the bigger picture.  At the retreat my mom spoke about cutting your job down to the essentials.  She encouraged us to make a list of the essential mothering tasks that we want to accomplish and then figure out ways to either delegate or delete those things that don’t light us up, that don’t help us towards mothering the way we’d like to.  I love that challenge.  Delegating and deleting are both hard for me!

Last I’m going to work on taking in the good in my life as a mother.  In my presentation I talked about enjoying the present.  How changing your perspective, zooming into details and zooming out to a bigger picture can help you enjoy the present more fully.  I talked about this great book I read called Hardwiring Happiness, which explains why our brains are like “Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good.”  How we can make all the good, beautiful stuff stick in our brains, changing the fabric of our brains to make us happier, calmer people.  Fascinating stuff.  I promise to write more about it sometime soon.  I’m loving teaching my children how to take in the good. 

I’m touching down.  Time to test all this out.  Even if re-entry is grueling (all the piled up laundry and kids who are a little mad that you left them) I’m all pumped up.  I feel like I have a clearer picture of what I want to accomplish, how I want to love.  

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Thanks so much to my big sister Saren for creating Power of Moms.  A huge labor of love and dedication to supporting motherhood.  I love her.

18 comments:

  1. I LOVED this! These are some of the exact thoughts I've been having lately. I want to REALLY enjoy my children - allowing them to be kids and focusing on seeing the good in them (and praying to see that good). It's so easy to be annoyed with behavior issues and all of that, but really there has got to be more good than bad, right? I like how you said that their self-image is in large part a reflection of how we perceive them as parents. That gives me a lot of motivation, because frankly I'm not doing so hot on that one, and I really want them to have a positive view of who they are and what they can become. Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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    1. thanks for the feedback Camile. I'm glad to know someone else is feeling the strain of this! Even since I wrote this post I've struggled to really keep things positive around here. But trying is a step in the right direction. Thanks for reading.

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  2. Saydi I loved meeting you at the retreat and I loved your presentation! You were so real! I listened to the podcast again this morning and it is wonderful and really thought provoking to me. Thanks again!

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    1. Cheryl, It was great meeting you too! That retreat was really so full of light and inspiration. I'm still basking in it. Thanks for being a part of it.

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  3. Your presentation was WONDERful! Power of Moms has changed my life, thanks for coming to be such a big part of the retreat. I love what you said in your post about fixing the foundation and even more what you said should make up the foundation of our homes. I had the same takeaway.

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    1. Thanks Sarah. Power of Moms really is amazing. I'm so happy that I get to be a little part of it sometimes. Thanks for being a part of all that power.

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  4. Thanks for writing this! I have been thinking and praying about this same thing! I just feel like my kids are irresponsible, lazy and bad time managers. Especially my oldest who we expect a little more from. I feel like I am always on her and I was feeling this today too. I am the one that needs to change! All of those things that I expect are me and not her. Although I really, really do want her to grow up to be a responsible adult someday the only thing I can change is how I see her for who she really is and bring out her strengths to her instead of her weaknesses. Thanks!

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    1. Tara, Glad to know I'm not alone! Don't we always expect more from our eldest? I was just putting mine to bed tonight and realized that she is growing up like I'm wanting her too....and I looked into her eyes and told her to cling to her childhood, she only has one of them! I'm working hard on letting her just be little and trying my best to just reflect back all the goodness in her. But boy is it hard sometimes. Thanks for your thoughts.

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  5. i think it is wonderful that you are always looking for ways to improve; it's how it should be. i just hope you realize what a fantastic and beautiful mother you are!!! one of the reasons i love your blog is that you are always doing such amazing things with your children. i don't feel jealous, i just admire your devotion. you inspire me to be a better mother. your writing flows so beautifully and i always feel the spirit when reading your entries. thanks for the time and effort you take to share your life with us! love, nancy

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  6. i think it is wonderful that you are always looking for ways to improve; it's how it should be. i just hope you realize what a fantastic and beautiful mother you are!!! one of the reasons i love your blog is that you are always doing such amazing things with your children. i don't feel jealous, i just admire your devotion. you inspire me to be a better mother. your writing flows so beautifully and i always feel the spirit when reading your entries. thanks for the time and effort you take to share your life with us! love, nancy

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    1. Nancy, thanks so much for this comment. It's good to get a little feedback. I'm not sure i'm always beautiful (haven't showered today) or fantastic but I'm trying. I do try to do lots of cool stuff with my kids and it's good to know that from the outside it looks like I'm getting it right sometimes. It doesn't always feel that way on the inside, you know what I mean? Especially when I start measuring myself up to moms who are good at keeping their houses and children clean. That's when I'm going to think back to this comment. Yes....my kids may have snotty noses and my kitchen floor is sticky, but I've done some pretty amazing things with my kids here and there. So, thanks for the feedback. And thanks for reading too. It's nice to know someone is getting something out of these ramblings.

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  7. Love you Sayds, and love how you write!

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  8. I listened to the Power of Moms podcast you recorded with your sister this afternoon. So much great wisdom in the podcast and I love what you write here about perception, wow, just wow, that is exactly what I need to work on with my children. Thank you so much for thinking clearly and sharing your thoughts. Just tonight as we were driving home along a beautiful lake in the PNW, I said to the kids, "look at how beautiful the lake looks tonight, aren't we lucky to live here/" I was thinking of your advice. I am going to start pointing out the things that are beautiful and happy.

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  9. Awesome post!!! I have similar goals myself. I have some questions for you about homeschooling. Would you be willing to allow me to email you about them?

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  10. Awesome post!!! I have similar goals myself. I have some questions for you about homeschooling. Would you be willing to allow me to email you about them?

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  11. Awesome post!!! I have similar goals myself. I have some questions for you about homeschooling. Would you be willing to allow me to email you about them?

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  12. Wow!! Wonderful blog shared by you here. The weather seems so beautiful in pictures. Hey I am also planning for corporate events, but I need to book such a beautiful location for that. Can you help me or suggest me any nice venue?

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  13. Beautiful post Saydi! I really have learned so much from POM and from going to the retreat. Your presentation was awesome and the retreat was such an amazing experience. Thank you! I have my little mantras that I say to myself throughout the day like, "Love more" especially in the difficult times (like tantrums or stubborn 7 year old); "I can do hard things" especially when my children are screaming at me. I can "Respond in Love" and "Walk in Love" (by being patient and by trying to find out what is on their heart rather then yelling back) I have come away from the retreat realizing I take myself and my situations way to seriously rather than living in the moment and enjoying it; to smile and laugh more and to remind myself what really matters. This is definitely a process but I am seeing huge progress. Not just in my children but in me!

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